Today wasn't one of our better days, mainly due to the fact that I have been so much on edge today and very snappy. Saturday is our shopping day and after a big week where John's back operation was cancelled and we are all exhausted I just didn't feel like facing any crowds, least of all lining up at the checkout. First obstacle for the day was I forgot my bag and had to ring John to bring my wallet into town (a 20 minute drive). Princess was in a clutching mood all the way in and kept on bashing me on the shoulder to get my attention so I could repeat "Going shopping" over and over. Finally on about number 28 I snapped - some days it takes me at least till number 50 - so I'm yelling and Honeybee is yelling and I realise I should definitely not be yelling it does no-one any good least of all me....
Got my wallet from John and it was into the supermarket for us - Princess kept fairly close to me and only tried to hug two people today....the supermarket was fairly quiet so that was a blessing. I have started getting Princess to hand over the money to the checkout operator. Even though she doesn't understand how much things cost it is some form of independence and that has to be a plus. Imagine being 15 years old and not knowing how much things cost! Probably most parents would be ecstatic if their teenager didn't ever hassle them for money or new clothes.....but I would so love Princess to be hassling me about these things!!!! I would love it if Princesss wanted to earn her own money like Honeybee will when she is 15, it's a part of going into adulthood, getting your first part-time job. And as for clothes...it is so hard to find Princess clothes she will wear as there are so many clothes she hates the feel of against her skin. It's shorts and tops or pants and tops or skirts and tops and that's about it. I take Princess shopping and she indicates she likes this or that but when we get home I can't get the clothes on her, she refuses to wear them. My Honeybee is delighted with this because it means she gets lots of extra clothes but it breaks my heart that Princess won't wear fashionable clothes and hates wearing shoes and so wears the same old thing over and over again.
Back home and I realise that I don't have my key to get in as it's in my bag and John isn't home. So back on the mobile - how did we ever cope without mobile phones? - and I drive another 20 minutes to meet John and get the key. Finally back home we unload the groceries and Princess can watch her new DVD - Toy Story. Yes, she loves Toy Story....so do I! It's one of the best stories ever.
And another day now is ending. The rain is pouring down outside and I reflect on how I have coped with being Princess's Mum today. I wish I didn't ever yell at her. I wish I had more time to slow down and relate to her better, try to be in her world instead of wishing she was in mine, try to understand how it must be for her. I say to Honeybee that I feel like I am a bad mother and she reassures me that I'm a good mother because a bad mother would not be questioning her mothering skills.... But seriously, every day with Princess I need to reflect on my behaviour so I can be the mother she needs.
More later.
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